kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
