I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize