oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
