I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
