she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
