just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
