Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
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