I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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