Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
