wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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