Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
