I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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