If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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