3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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