I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
