Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
