Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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