obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
