i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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