so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
