I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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