so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize