Can i not drive my cunt home
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
