I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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