the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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