i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
