i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
