I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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