i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
