a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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