keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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