Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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