I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
