he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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