I just found puke in my bra..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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