"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
