yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize