so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
