Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
