I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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