that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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