Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
