And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
