My friends, they love my intelligence
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
