I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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