She's JV to your varsity
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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