I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
