Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
