just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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