Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Randomize
