she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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