did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize