oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
