How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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