so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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