...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
