There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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