Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There's a naked man in my car right now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
