jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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