My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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