we have pet lesbian snakes
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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