you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
