I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
did you just send me my own nude
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
