I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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