I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just invented taco cereal.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
