i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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