Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
