In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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