So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Randomize
