He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
