Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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