i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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